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Nemo1014
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Name: Noemi
Birthday: 1/18/1986
Gender: Female
Interests: Libros para feminism, culture, fiction, Pilipinos, music, individuals, sarcasm, realist-optimists, and an everlong analysis of life
Expertise: I don't think introspection and retrospection can be considered an expertise, but how about I just say I think too much about others in relation to myself.
Occupation: Student
Industry: Nonprofit - Social Sciences
Message: message me
AIM:  nemonocomprendo
Member Since:
7/11/2003
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| Cycle of threes
I like when I remember my dreams
Lucid impressions that carry me through the day
Colors more vibrant than my own surroundings
Why is that?
This night I woke up every hour on the hour past 3 am
There was a courtyard, a jail, a muddy neighborhood and it was Christmas time
For some reason a concert was about to be set to stage
And our act was left out
The members of my dance troupe included some familiar faces
Always in focus
But as the crowd filtered in
Predominantly AfAms
I got pushed behind a wall
Behind a larger lady
I picked a fight
And tricked her into the jail
Corridors
Another act was practicing within the jail
Golden costumes of what looked like sequins
Only more real
Than hot glue
Two girls bickered about something
probably a man
I laced up my running shoes
And ran through the neighborhood
Fresh rain picked up
Soaked the floors
Slipped turning most corners
But I knew I was running for something
Toward something?
Well, it just ended with me meeting up with other runners
and taking our best mile times down
Rain and renewal
Running and feeling accomplished
If only such feelings could be sustained for longer than the few minutes after
my eyes opened
to reveal
just another ordinary day.
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| I need to start writing again for the mere sake of remembering. My brain can barely remember what day it is as I reluctantly pace myself into adulthood.
Let..me see. Last post was December 2008. I was just finishing up my last semester and wondering what the hell to do with my life. Well, in a nutshell then, what has unraveled in this enigma called my so called life in the last 5 months?
Best way to describe it, is through a train of thought. A list this time.
My waking days would be centered around maybe four or five thoughts/tasks/goals if you will. Up until the end of May, I voluntarily was in charge of SJSU's Pilipino Commencement. Once that was over, that familiar looming dread of the unknown future settled in coupled with that annoying uneasiness of not having anything of particular importance to do stacked up that giant list of things one SHOULD do.
I denied myself life- if that makes any sense. These past five months have been devoid of any spiritual growth that it sickens me. I was not living for me, but rather was the labor product to not disappoint anybody else.
I work for a non-profit. Working for any place over 3 months (been there for a year now), I habitually settle into this mentality that the job is slowly killing my soul and I must find a way out or find little ways to rebel being a slave to wages.
Funny thing is, my "wage" or "salary" is so minimal, I have become a simple minimal person. I don't buy things for myself and only spend on necessities - gas & food. Some may criticize my spending on food to be on the excessive side, but when you don't really have a desire to purchase other goods, then what does it matter?
I have many MANY unread/half read books on my shelf.
I believe the feng shui of my room contributes to my attitude.
The only man I've truly loved so far in my life does not have enough time for me. Or maybe that goes both ways.
Regardless, we've come to a standstill.
I feel like not being in school is a challenge. I have to challenge myself to continue education through other means. And I have been. The likes of which I can only dispel in conversation.
So what are my resolutions? Did I grow at all?
Answer being yes. I'm in transition. I'm about to leave for five weeks and can hardly fathom the person I'll be when I come back. If there is one thing in my life that I have learned to unashamedly love about myself, it is my mental capacity. I'm not a snob about it, but I find the pursuance of intellectual endeavors (for such a small gal like me) keeps me enthralled with life. And the growth of the mind can extend through activities that involve the body - dance, playing music, art, reading, writing, rhetoric, etc.
I have many resolutions as I continue on my path unknown. One concrete one being to be around more for my sister. She's about to enter that wasteland of junior high. And if I should die knowing that the only life I impacted positively was hers, I'd die happy and be reincarnated into a butterfly. That butterfly thing is irrelevant.
Wow, it feels good to write again. This probably makes no sense, but I just had to get it out. Vunderba!
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| I like the cold. It's a refreshing chill to the reality of who I am. You see the true side of people when they're in the cold and in the way they handle it.
Aggressive about it or willing to stick it out. Those who say "it's not that bad" and those who say "holy fuck it's so god damn cold! AGHH!!"
Either way, the people watcher in me likes to see how people react to weather.
I also like the rain. The rain without cars, because everyone forgets how to drive when it's wet outside.
This is a kind of random post, but what post of mine is ever focused unless I'm emboldened by something to create such a literary blog-etic divulgence.
Updates on my life: I finished my undergraduate degree at San Jose State. Woo. *twirls finger in the air* All THAT really means is that I have to now prove that I am worth that 10's of thousands of dollars my parents spent on me to be educated via landing a cozy job, or with my field of work of choice, getting more edumacation.
And boy howdy, do I have some plans in the works. Who knows where I'll end up, but that's three quarters of the fun! The other quarter is the stress and depression. But fun nonetheless.
And if you're wondering my major is, you obviously do not know me well enough to be asking that question. That's okay. I'll invite you to my center one day *hint*.
Oh, it's all speculation. Words on paper and invisible money, but that's what dreams are built from. As I've always said at certain pinnacle beginnings in my life, "here goes...."
A positive to the end of this year, I've learned to love who I am and what I aim to be. I've learned to accept that you can never change anyone and all that you CAN do is let them be who they are in order to come into their own. Because really, I like to believe we are all trying to be the best we can. Just at different paces and in different places of understanding, compassion, drive, etc. I can only be a helper, an aid, a listener, a fellow human in our quests to mold life into something we love and can exclaim pride with being part of it all.
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| So many traps are set up by our own psyche.
This semester has been a draining one of letting go. And this seemingly quiet little Filipina has got just a few more tricks up her sleeve.
Ultimately, everyone wants to be known and to stand apart from the crowd, but what purpose would that serve me? Exactly. I've noticed lately that if you look at the motivations behind people's actions and words you'll get a deeper insight into who they are.
So while people may be involved in the same cause, it's hard to say if a heart is in the right place.
And I don't like that phrase anyway.
Most people are egotistical self-serving a-holes that just got a lot of growing up to do. And I'll go on without the praise and glory. I don't need it.
As long as I feel free and respected, I have no qualms.
Meanwhile, we have to work with people like that. Well, all types of people really. Live amongst them. Listen to them. Breathe their hypocrisy.
It's just funny is all.
I am ever the observer entangled in this never ending web of life and fear.
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| She who wanted no one and everyone
is always aside herself beside herself
without herself
but no one but herself
She who wanted no one
ended up with some ones
but then got short changed
so went and sought out new ones
ones to fill that void.
And before she spent herself on regret
she found them.
And the ones that were left behind
seemed trivial at best
but maybe good for a nostalgia check
to be endorsed
deposited
and spent again
to purchase some euphoria
and drugs of laughter
and maybe shoot up on some love novocaine.
Still those goods
were no good towards progress
a stifling contest of elevated levels
In a few words at best, she thought, "Fuck you friends,
I'm the only one who knows me best."
She wanted no one and everyone
to know that she was still alive
and fluid, changing, a world traveler
and decidedly became tired of the worlds
some ones have built around themselves
And the sum of the ones in a totality related to hers
still fell short
so she wants no ones except the ones
that can sustain the best
She wants no one
and everyone to provide
something real
something good
something other than the things
that used to be.
-N
***
There she goes again.
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